I’m usually okay with being alone. I’m not afraid to be left to my own devices & keep myself company, I find myself quite amusing for the most part.
Just not right now. This very moment, I feel alone to the very depths of my soul. And while I want to call on my friends, all of a sudden, I just so desperately want one of them to call on me, To say “hey, I want to see you, just to see you, not because I want something from you, just your company”
It seems as if almost all the people around me have their hands out all at the same time & I’m on empty.
I need someone to give a little to me, not because they feel obliged to – I don’t want your half-assed crappy back rub. Sorry, don’t mean to sound rude or mean, but, if you’re going to do something like that for me, do it because you want to, because you don’t want to see me in pain, because you want me to feel cared for, and put at least as much effort into it as I do for you despite the mind-numbing, searing pain I experience in my hands every single day of my life.
I don’t want the lame call or text 2 days later telling me that you, once again, forgot about me buddy. Am I that immemorable that I am constantly forgotten about? Would it even be noticed if I disappeared?
And I don’t want to be a taxi driver. I bought my car for me, to do things for myself & my kids. It’s such a drain on me to dread hearing the voices of certain people, people I can’t avoid. People who are young enough & perfectly capable of putting one foot in front of the other & perfectly capable of walking the half block to the bus stop. I’m sorry, when I didn’t have a car, I walked everywhere I needed to go, or I just didn’t go. It’s not even about the cost of fuel, it’s my time. I sacrifice so much of my time to further the cause of somebody else & I’m left with a fucking broken car. Nobody else is paying to have it fixed or get me a new one. Me. I’m the one paying.
And I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking, agreeing to lend a large sum of money out, a sum of money that I should be using to get my own home & get my Son home with me, where he belongs. That money was earmarked to set myself up so that maybe I could be a teensy bit ahead of the game for once. Like, WTF was going through my head when I agreed to that??? Didn’t I get kicked while I was down enough when Jesse & Jessica basically duped me out of my rent money back in March? Nope, I guess not.
Now I’m not saying this friend will do that to me, but, jesus christ Betty, REALLY?? I mean REALLY?? give your fucking head a shake dumb bitch, get your priorities back in order.
This is what I love about writing, because I started out thinking I was sad and lonely, which, I kinda am, but, I’m more feeling taken for granted & angry, leaning towards resentment because I don’t get what I want or need out of these relationships all the while giving, even when I have little or nothing to give.
I’m sorry friends, I love you all, will for always, but, I have nothing left to give, it’s all gone because I haven’t been getting the things I need from you guys in order for me to be a healthy human being. Y’all know my number & where I’m staying & how to get a hold of me.