Looking back

It’s hard to believe that 2010 is already over & we’re into the 1st week of 2011.
It was a crazy year for me. The previous 5 or 6years I merely existed. I look back & I can see that what I was doing was in no way what we call “living”. But once my inner-self realized that I was once & for all truly free of the shackles I wore during that unhealthy time, it seemed as if I had to make up for all the lost time.
At this very moment, my soul, my very inner core feels worn – run through the wringer. I crammed 5 years of living into one short year. I took those 5 yrs and tried my damnedest to re-live…no not re-live, experience everything I missed.
Every “relationship”, for lack of a better word, however short, was intense and each one stripped my soul bare, leaving me feeling raw & exposed. I don’t know why, but, I considered myself single even while involved with a man. It’s odd how we always seek to define what we have with other people.
After I had finally gotten out of my situation with Bryce, I thought that never again could I trust another man. I thought that I would never love or want to love again.
Hiker-Dude taught me how to be young again, despite being one of the oldest men I’ve ever gone out with.
Old-School-Friend taught me what it was like to once again be treated with respect, to be treated as a fellow human being, to once again embrace another as a gesture of caring as opposed to an action of hostility.
Then, along came The Jester. In 3 or 4 short months, The Jester taught me how it felt to be alive. I learned how sweet a first kiss can be, I learned how to laugh – REALLY laugh, great big, face-hurting-tear-jerking, belly laughs. I learned how to be accepted for who and what I am. I learned confidence, I learned once again, how to love. Truly and unconditionally. It was like being a baby & learning how to walk & talk all over again.
We kind of just drifted apart, he got busy with his work & I opened my shop. We met & dated other people & still talk with each other. I know that I will always love him & I’m so glad to have had the opportunity to spend time with him.
I’m not sure where I am heading in 2011, but to even compare to 2010, it’s gotta be pretty intense….At any rate, I think I’m ready – bring it

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