Maybe you ARE just an a$$hole!!

This is a recurring theme to my thoughts over the past several months….

One day, back in January, I told The Jester about a guy I had dubbed “Pansy boy” & how I would think up ridiculous things to get him to do just to see if he would – invariably, no matter how demanding, no matter how petty my request, he would.

On the same note, a friend of ours, we’ll call her Jill,  told us about a similar experience she had & went on to analyze the why of going out with guys that would do pretty much anything for her.  Her conclusion was “I thought I was just an asshole”.

After the telling of her experience, I began to think about my feelings in regards to The Jester.  I can’t think of very many times I’ve said no to him.  I can’t think of very many scenarios in which I’ve felt the need to say no.  There wasn’t very much I would have denied him.

And then I think, yes, Jill, maybe you ARE just an asshole.  Maybe these guys actually saw something beautiful in the human being that is Jill and saw no reason to deny her anything.

The point is, all these games, these things we do to test each other’s limits, they’re dishonest & manipulative and down-right mean.  Maybe we ARE just being assholes when we push one another, test our boundaries with each other.

Why can’t we just accept that another person loves us so much that they see no reason to say no to us?  It doesn’t make me spineless because I went along with whatever The Jester wanted.  It meant I was in love with him, it didn’t mean I was wishy washy because I did the things that he wanted to do.  It meant that I trusted that he wouldn’t ask me to do anything that would bring me harm, that I wanted him to be happy and that I believed that he felt the same way in regards to me.

I look back on my devotion & loyalty to him & I can see the disdain he felt every time I said yes, every time he mistook my compliance as weakness instead of what it was – a love for him that was unconditional & only sought a common happiness for us.  I look at that & I feel bad about how I treated “Pansy boy” all those years ago, he loved me.  Hell, he wanted to marry me, but, I was too much of an asshole to see it.

I don’t usually regret a lot of things in my life, but, I regret the way I treated Pansy Boy, not that I wanted to marry him too, but, I wish I had been less of an asshole to him.  This is a prime example of how Karma never forgets.


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