Just one little thing

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

I wish it were easy to pinpoint any one particular event that completely changed my life – I’ve had so many life altering things happen over the last decade.
I suppose if forced to answer with only one thing, I would say it all began July 14, 2002, the day my Father was rushed to the hospital critically ill & not expected to make it through the night.
I was scheduled to have holidays beginning on the 15th and travel down to Seattle to meet my geek buddy’s of aoaforums.com.
Needless to say, I never made it to Seattle.
My life from there on out took a turn down a long, winding, desolate road.
It went from bad to worse as I lost my job of ten years, then the love of my life was diagnosed with cancer, then passed away at the age of 31. I got myself & my two children stuck in an abusive relationship for 5 long, unbearable years. The emotional scars still rule a good part of my life, I wish they didn’t, but, what can you do when you live in a shoe?
The person I am today is so very drastically different than the person I was 12 years ago. I know we are all constantly changing, but, I’m seriously waaaayy different than I was then.
I was not a shy or insecure woman, I was outgoing in both my work life and my personal life. Now, I will never really put myself out there, I won’t make the first move, my fear of rejection won’t let me, my fear of not being good enough to love keeps me from showing anybody that I care unless they have made it clear to me that they do indeed care about me. I know in my head that I’m beautiful, but, for 5 years I was told that I was a grossly ugly & skinny bitch & if you get told something enough you begin to believe it. I’m constantly struggling to gain weight. I was far more confident at 300 lbs than I am at 140.

While I don’t have many regrets, I do regret tolerating that abusive treatment for even a moment.  It scarred me.  It damaged my kids in ways I don’t think I’ll ever completely understand.  I can only hope they both realize that just because I *did* tolerate it, that isn’t how people who love each other are supposed to treat each other.

The last few years have been an uphill battle and I can honestly say I am moving forward and I feel my life is improving, even if only marginally.  I seem to take one step forward, then two back.  But.  Slowly and surely, I am making progress.

Life goes on.  There are always good things in life, sometimes you just have to look a little bit harder for the good.


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