Have you ever met….

A person so incredibly unique and so beautiful that you know your life is just so much richer for knowing them, but, you also know you can’t have them in your life?

I have.

The Company Pier

I blinked back my tears in silence as I read and re-read his text reply.
I was stunned. I was also oh so hurt. The words stung. The reaction he gave to my question simply dumbfounded me.
The one evening I had spent with him initially, lead me to believe that he had it together, that despite his youth, he was mature and level-headed.
How wrong I was.
I knew deep down at the the outset that “fishing off the company pier” was a bad idea, but, the attraction was so magnetic, I couldn’t resist when he asked me if I wanted to join him for a few drinks.
I feel foolish for believing his authenticity, he was done with me, I’m sure of it now, the second he dropped me off at home.
For weeks afterwards, he gave me the “I’m so busy” song and dance and I bought it at first.
Then I came back to the real world.
If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll be a part of it. No stories, no excuses.
I think he became so cruel to me because once I clue in to something, I’ll call another on their bullshit. People seem to hate it when others recognize the truly shitty human being inside them.
I know I don’t want anybody else to see my inner jerk, hell, I don’t even like seeing her, but, I know she’s there, lurking beneath the parts of me that are easy for people to love, just waiting for the right moment to leap out and display the truly shitty human being I could be.
I really don’t like that part of myself, so I get it that other people would want to hide that part of themselves too.
I also understand that not everyone is comfortable admitting their misdeeds or owning up to the crappy things they think or do.
I’m not entirely at ease doing it, but, I like to think it helps to keep the monster in me at bay.

As a matter of fact…

Yes. Yes I *do* get to change my mind, if I so choose to.
I *am* allowed to apologize & ask for forgiveness.
Just as you can change your mind and forgive. As a human being it is your right and my right to change our minds.
You go ahead and remain angry and hate me. That’s ok. It makes me sad for you that you carry that anger and hate around with you, but, that is up to you.
I’ll still be here should you change your mind & I already have forgiven you, regardless.
I know I was wrong, but, you aren’t entirely right either.
I’m still your friend, even if you aren’t mine.
If you want to read that as a “life lesson”, that’s ok too.
I’m taking my brief experience with you as a lesson for sure.
So long for now, friend, I dearly hope you find it within yourself to forgive, I sincerely do.

A Narration…..

Stranger Than Fiction wasn’t really all that far-fetched to me. I often imagine my life as though it were a book, long before the movie ever came out, here’s an excerpt from my book:

As she entered his neat, stylish apartment, she carelessly flipped off her sandals, enjoying the hollow thunking sound they made against the hardwood floor.
She takes interest in the eclectic decor, appreciating how well it’s all put together, much like his personal appearance.

She wonders how long it took him to cultivate his persona – did he have to work at it? Studiously crafting exactly who he wanted to portray or did it all just come naturally to him. In other words, was he real?
Either way her admiration for him had grown considerably in just a few short minutes. No longer was he just another adonis for her to sneak sidelong glances at while working.

Their conversation was quite animated and she much enjoyed his personality, his apparent maturity despite such beautiful youth, the sharp and witty dialogue he shared without being condescending or arrogant.
Yet, a part of her felt that it was all just a show. A facade of the person who he thought she wanted him to be. She tells herself to stop being so cynical and just enjoy the moment, appreciate the smile in his eyes and don’t read too much into a new friendship. She took a deep breath, inhaling his scent, light, but, nearly intoxicating.

Still, it was difficult to not let the heartbreaks she had endured over the last couple of years overshadow any involvement she had with any man. Knowing that a lot of it was her own insecurities did little to quell that nasty voice whispering into her ear, warning her of ulterior motives, telling her he couldn’t possibly sincerely like her for her. She flipped through the possibilities of what it was he could want, she was no benefit to him financially, nor career-wise and neither could she help him climb any social ladder being that she herself was a social misfit. While she is intelligent, it’s a task for her to imagine in which ways another could or would deceive her. Maybe she should just take a step back, perhaps it was time to call it a night and simply not give another person an opportunity to use her for their own purposes.
All these thoughts race through her mind while he spoke of the history of family names and the beauty of the Victorian Era. She was on the verge of panic, almost overcome by her low spirit and self doubts.
Suddenly, she let out an involuntary moan as he grasped her left foot with both hands, squeezing her heel, massaging away all the aches of the day, all the aches of the year.
And then, with an ardent kiss, she was his, at least for that moment.

Theme Song of The Day – Avril Lavigne

I’m not sure how, but, this applies to a couple of ex-bf’s…..The ones I loved, I still love and wish nothing but the best for them, this just makes me think of all the happy times I shared with them…

Warm Summer Night

The sun beats down mercilessly upon my scantily clad body.  Lazily, I take in the scenery, relishing in the sensations of the light breeze dancing over my baking skin…..it’s delicious and the warmth of the sand relaxes all the muscles that have wreaked havoc throughout my body over the last few weeks.

As I admire a handsomely muscled young man pass by, my mind drifts off to a night one late August many years ago.  My boyfriend at the time was a much younger man than I, he was male beauty personified – Adonis.  The sun was setting, it was a peaceful day spent sunbathing.  The scent of coconut tanning oil wafting through the air – it was the perfect setting for a romantic evening, and romantic it was.

I wish I could entertain you with fantastic tales of steamy lovemaking, but, such is reality – it is made up of memories that at first glance may seem mundane, but, are the solid & real sustenance of life.

We spent the evening snuggled together in front of a small beach fire, roasting marshmallows and sharing spine tingling true encounters with the spirit world.  Finishing off the night with a swim, he and I splashed around in the lake, bath water warm as it was, dried off & nestled in the cocoon of our sleeping bag drifting off to sleep in front of the fire, under the stars.

The perfect summer night.

Sweet Summer Love

I swirled my feet lazily off the edge of the pier, while I admired my new friend cutting through the cool, crisp water, his muscles rippling with each butterfly stroke.

It seems like a millenia ago, I can’t even remember his name, he passed through my life so quickly. Ross? Brent?
He was beautiful, whatever his name was. lol
Ross/Brent, was wonderful for my ego, I’ll never forget how he held my feet while treading water and told me how sexy they were, and kissed me so briefly as he climbed out of the water.
Then *poof* – gone. Never to be seen or heard from again.
It was so hot out today, I found my mind wandering back to that day so many years ago and am thankful for the Ross’s & Brent’s I’ve met throughout my life, they gave me a lot of happy little memories – so short and sweet were our interactions, I can’t help but feel good about them.

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