2015 – A year of…..I’m n0t even really sure what

I closed my 2013 declaring that 2014 was going to be my Bitch.  2014 showed me who exactly the Bitch was in the hardest possible ways, it nearly broke me.

So, when I was closing out 2014 & being introduced to 2015, I decided instead that I wanted it to be my friend.

This was a year of many mixed emotions, none of which I could articulate enough to put pen to paper – or fingers to keyboard.  I did very little writing over the past year.

My high notes were a camping trip with my kids in May & my Son graduating from High School in June.

It was also about finding my place to be, both in my personal life and work.  I cannot thank the people in my life enough for just being themselves and being a part of my life.

I don’t know if I can say that 2015 & I are close friends, but, we are well acquainted & don’t hate each other – we’re parting on civil terms.  I can only hope she gives me a good reference to take with me into 2016.

So, my dear readers, may 2016 bring you all much happiness and good fortune.  Love to all.

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Selfies…..Ok, I didn’t quite do the weekly selfie like I wanted to…

Dear 2014, You can Eff right off already! (final entry)

Ok, so, I *did* have an entry written up to cover October – December…..
I’ve decided though that I’m not doing that now.
Those months are gone & all the shit & drama of the last three months is irrelevant, they’re done and gone, the time all used up and there’s no going back for a do-over.
All I’m going to think about as we ring in 2015 is holding on to that blind optimisim that I’ve always had, but have been on the teetering edge of losing.
Once again, I’m looking forward to the New Year, hoping that I’ll once again find my happy.
I wish all the best to you, Dear Readers. Thank you. Love and peace to all.

Dear 2014, You can Eff right off already! Part 3

JULY – SEPTEMBER

~Strep throat!  ~ Forced to quit smoking ~ Most epic camping trip in Ukee with my kids! ~ It’s been just over a year since my son went to live with his Grandparents & I’ve felt as though I’ve had little or no purpose to my life because of it. ~ This camping trip was exactly what I needed, thankful that my daughter planned this get-away ~ Many more lazy days at the lake ~ Crazy busy at work ~ Work friend avoiding me? Or maybe feels awkward? ~ Harmful gossip in the work place, nothing I can do to combat it.  I know anything I say in protest will just make things worse ~ Lonely nights & lonely days off, with Ashley gone to Gold River, I don’t really have anybody & dearly just want a friend who just likes me for me & not for what they want from me ~ Broken tooth super costly ~ Horrible sliver (by sliver I mean HUGE piece of lumber) in my eff you finger ~ Trolled by a youtube video ~ I make me laugh so much – I bandaided a raisin over my sliver for 24 hours in hopes of it drawing the sliver out – nope. ~ Get to spend more time with my Son at the lake, he’s nearly a man now ~ Seems like just yesterday he was a smiling, giggling little boy.  Life has not been kind to him, he’s lost so much in his young life and is now a sombre, young man. ~ I pray for him to find his happy once again. ~So sad my work friend is no longer my friend, his harsh words in response to my worries that he may be angry with me, at first, shocks me into tears, but after much thought, outrage and offend me.  Regardless of what he thinks I’ve said about him or how he perceives my questions put to him, I do NOT deserve the venom and hatred he’s spewed forth to me. ~ I’ve always been respectful and kind towards him, his unnecessary spite was over the top and causes me to be somewhat ashamed of him. ~ With a great deal of sadness, I promise myself to exclude him from life at every level, both personal and professional unless a sincere apology is given. ~ Even though he wasn’t ever really there for me, I know I’ll miss him, for weeks every sidelong glance I sneak of him brings a tear to my eyes, but, I steel my resolve to continue the silence, I deserve more respect than what he’s given me from day one.  I deserve an apology ~

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • If someone wants to have you in their life, they will. No stories, no excuses.
  • All that glitters isn’t gold (I already knew this, but, apparently had to relearn this one)
  • At the end of the day, all that you have is yourself.
  • Raisin’s will NOT draw a sliver out.
  • The answer is always laughter.  ALWAYS.  Shed your tears, then laughing like hell makes things easier to deal with.

Moving into Ashley’s Parent’s basement suite ~ Oh so very much enjoying the privacy and the hot tub! I FREAKIN LOVE THE HOT TUB!! ~ Feeling very content & at peace, although I have my work cut out for me – Ashley’s things need to be packed so I can begin to make this my home ~ A spider incident results in me sleeping on the couch for the first two weeks of my tenancy ~  Good times entertaining guests in *My OWN home* finally, it’s been a long haul since I lost my apartment that David & I lived in last year ~ My Son and his friend are assaulted ~ Son moves into town to a good friend’s house ~ Thankful that he is in a safe, stable home now. ~ Despite the tension at work, my weekend shifts begin to become my refuge, we have a great weekend staff & the girl I work with every saturday and sunday is amazing, as is the bakery staff ~ Unexpected guests turn into unexpected roommates ~ Chaos gradually seeps its way back into my life & I’m stuck between a rock & a hard place ~ My home is no longer my home before it ever really had a chance to be MY home ~ My contentment slowly turns to resentment ~ Feeling trapped in an extremely abusive relationship that isn’t even mine ~ Resentment turning to anger as I realize that I’m paying rent for a room that I can’t even put my things in.  ~ Yet, I don’t know how to broach the topic, I know my room & board is hella cheap, but, the price I’m paying with emotional stress is far too much.

I wonder if I’ll ever find my place to belong?

Dear 2014, You can Eff right off already! Part 2

APRIL – JUNE

~Reeling from the mind-numbing grief of my Brother’s passing & the realization that those whom I believed to be true did not even seem to know the definition of true friendship ~ Workplace flirtations ~ Jazzy dance & sassy pants ~ An attraction that, deep down, I know will go nowhere, yet, so magnetic it’s beginning to be very difficult to ignore ~ It lifts my spirits somewhat – this youthful, optimistic adonis gives me something to look forward to in this dreary world so full of tears ~ My remaining Brother returns to my life, so sad that it took this terrible loss for us to make amends ~ Worries about my Mother, no parent should ever outlive their children ~ I can see the overwhelming grief wearing her down ~ Vows to spend as much time as possible with her, and with all my loved ones ~ Chaos at home ~ A self-entitled man forcing us all to walk on eggshells to avoid his dramatic, unnecessarily angry outbursts, he’s dangerously close to angering me to the point of no return with the verbal abuse he spews upon my Mother ~ Workplace flirtation intensifies, I’m feeling like a kid in high school & quite enjoying my work life ~ Fishing from the Company Pier nets me an unforgettable Mother’s Day ~ Sadly, I was right, this was to be a short-lived, go-nowhere affair ~ Even sadder, there’s no room in his life to be even a friend to me ~ Still, the attraction is maddening & it doesn’t help that I genuinely liked him as a person & felt that we could have been great friends ~ Extremely hostile co-worker’s last shift working with me ~ Vicious disrespect provokes me into a pissing match in front of a customer ~ So thankful my Manager understood what this spiteful little girl’s intent was ~ So glad she’s gone now & I’m getting into my groove at work, loving the opening shift ~ Assault & battery ~ Justice ~ *Finally* after months of walking virtually everywhere I wanted or needed to go, an acquaintance makes a friend of me for life by helping me out with a vehicle ~ Feeling ever so blessed & grateful to finally have a car again after so many hard months trudging through the cold, wet weather ~ A long & stressful drive to Gold River ~ Lazy days at the lake ~ Attempt to move out, enjoyed a couple of weeks of peace. ~ Move back in ~ Wishing for a do-over with my work friend, I suspect a little bit of misunderstanding (by that I mean A LOT of misunderstanding) at play ~ Too late now to fix it I suppose ~ 

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED SO FAR THIS YEAR:

  • Life IS short!  
  • Be kind.
  • Show love.
  • Walk away from pretend friends.
  • No matter how sad, or how broken and lonely you are,  if you look hard enough, there is always something to smile about.  ALWAYS. 

All the let downs over the past couple of years have begun to jade me, I’m finding it more & more difficult to trust others & I am so wary of people’s intentions & motives for befriending me.

Life is lonely when you trust no one…….

Dear 2014, You can Eff right off already! Part 1

JANUARY – MARCH

Ringing in the New Year hugging the bowl, all alone, the flu hit me late in the afternoon of December 31st hard and fast ~ A bit of foreshadowing? ~ Frustrated & angry at my ex, Rocky Primavera for duping me out of a large sum of money that I lent him in good faith ~ So lonely and sad ~ Empty promises from so-called friends ~ Rip-off reports.com ~ Peace out Girl Scout ~ The Dirty.com ~ I know I’m never going to get a cent out of him, so I deal with it the only way I know how – laughter because of the ridiculous things he says and warning others to beware of this scammer ~ RIP Uncle Glen ~ RIP Nevee ~ RIP Grandpa Mexico ~ Beginning to feel as though my best friend of 12 years is actually just a fair-weather friend now that I, once again, don’t have a vehicle ~ So tired of the long, cold & wet walk to and from work ~ Where are all my supposed “good” friends now that I have nothing? ~ DEVASTATING Heartbreak ~ So long Wally, I’m so sad and broken from the loss of my big brother. ~ In dire need of a friend ~ My Brother has been gone for three days already and not one of my “friends” has come to see me until I bribe who I thought was my best friend with dinner ~ Her half hour visit gave her enough time to eat and show me her back ~ Funeral planning, thinking of how to honour him ~ All I can do though is cry and sleep ~ “Best friend” is a no-show for Wally’s service ~ Mourning the loss of a friendship I had believed to be real, it’s as if yet another loved one has died ~ Seeking comfort to ease the pain of the emptiness inside me ~ So thankful for my job, without it, I would not have gotten out of bed & probably would still be there ~ Developing new friendship with a co-worker, but, ever wary of the agenda others may have, I don’t like this untrusting me ~ Irresistible attraction, but, my caution makes me shy ~ Feeling rather school-girlish ~ A new friendship forming out side of work, the bonds of a deep, abiding friendship with a girl and her dog form quickly, cementing itself in place ~ It’s good to have a shoulder to lean on, to have a friend who actually listens to the things I say, who appreciates all the small things that come with friendship, someone who keeps her word. ~ It’s good to have a friend who doesn’t use all the things she’s done for me as ammo for when things don’t go her way, whose gifts, never to be mentioned as a tool to induce guilt, a friend who doesn’t look at me only as someone to call when she needs something. ~ It’s good to have a friend who walks her talk.

~ I miss my brother.

 

Tubbin

Loving the hot tub tonight!

 

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