2015 – A year of…..I’m n0t even really sure what

I closed my 2013 declaring that 2014 was going to be my Bitch.  2014 showed me who exactly the Bitch was in the hardest possible ways, it nearly broke me.

So, when I was closing out 2014 & being introduced to 2015, I decided instead that I wanted it to be my friend.

This was a year of many mixed emotions, none of which I could articulate enough to put pen to paper – or fingers to keyboard.  I did very little writing over the past year.

My high notes were a camping trip with my kids in May & my Son graduating from High School in June.

It was also about finding my place to be, both in my personal life and work.  I cannot thank the people in my life enough for just being themselves and being a part of my life.

I don’t know if I can say that 2015 & I are close friends, but, we are well acquainted & don’t hate each other – we’re parting on civil terms.  I can only hope she gives me a good reference to take with me into 2016.

So, my dear readers, may 2016 bring you all much happiness and good fortune.  Love to all.

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It seems like just yesterday…..

….that I was preparing my “Year End Re-Cap” for 2013.

I start this every year around this time – put pen to paper in preparation of reminding myself of all the lessons learned over the last year. Always ending with high hopes for the coming year.
Welcoming the New Year in the never-wavering belief that it will be a better, happier year than the one I’m putting on the shelf.

This year, however, has smashed that belief, reducing it to a great pile of doubt. I struggle with the fact that the people I cared for didn’t care enough about me to stop me when I sacrificed my own comfort for theirs, in fact, turned their backs on me during my darkest hours.

This is a tough, dismal year for me to write about and I don’t look forward to reliving it through my written word. I must do it though. For myself, to help heal my hurts, to hopefully learn from my mistakes. As well as just to say “F*ck You 2014! You don’t win”

Year End Re-Cap, part 2 – May – August

Taking baby steps in a budding relationship~afraid~A hike down  the Alberni Inlet~Nearly dropped the L-bomb~A call for help from my Daughter~That call for help saved me from depression~Saved me from a potentially abusive relationship~txt dumped after 2 weeks absence~more heartbreak~Therapeutic time on the beach at Thetis Lake~Thought my feet were dirty, turns out they were just tanned~2 month stay in Victoria~Photo bombing tourists at the Inner Harbour~Distressing call from Mom~Plans to go back to Port Alberni~Undersea Gardens~36 hours of moving my daughter from View Royal to Oak Bay~International Buskers Festival~Unpacking~Willow’s Beach~Days with my Son in Victoria~Swimming~A day with the in-laws~Back to Port Alberni~A long, beautiful day at Sproat Lake on a boat with a “hottie with a body”~Fruitless search for work~broke as a joke~strep throat, kinda frightening~having a hard time accepting that sometimes I have to rely on others~being a bad friend for good reasons~Lost another friend~But was she ever really my friend?~Falling in like~Trying not to~Sad about changes in a once good friend~STILL searching for work!~In serious like~happiness has found it’s way back into my life~Afraid that this new found happiness is only fleeting~Savouring every moment~It’s a good feeling to have somebody take care of me & look out for me for a change~Really appreciate his lack of  “me first” attitude.

Year End Re-Cap Part 1

January – April 2013

~Ringing the New Year with strangers~Out of place, belonging nowhere~Sitting in the dark & cold, feeling abandoned, neglected, used & abused~Stuck in Nanaimo for a few days~Visit with a couple of different old friends~Experience my first kiss all over again = Mind.Blown.~Hustle hustle to make some $~Cataloging Hockey Cards for a friend~Car problems~Pretty certain my car was sabotaged~Shut out by certain friends~Kicked when I’m down~Vow to exclude harmful people from my life, no matter what~Turned the lights back on~Things are starting to look up, or so I thought~January was an incredibly heartbreaking month~ February isn’t much better~Terrifying car accident~Car written off~Thankful to be alive~Money slowly getting tighter~Depression sinking in~Trying to concentrate on writing~Money problems make it difficult to concentrate on anything~Three stories submitted to Chicken Soup for the Soul~Admitting to myself that The Jester is gone for good & we were really & truly done & it was Goodbye Forever~Wondering if this heartbreak will ever end?~March has to be a better month for me~Walking everywhere~Sure miss having a car, or even a bicycle~Unable to look for work~ICBC insults me with a crappy offer to settle for my accident~On the verge of eviction~Get some minimal financial relief from a friend~Meet all kinds of shady characters who offer me help that I nearly accept~Again, finances seem to be getting better~April Fool’s!!~Lent my rent money to horrible people who pretended to be my friends~Evicted after being duped out of my rent money~Packing my apartment~Bitter at “friends” who offer to help, but only show me their backs~Even more bitter at the pretend friends who DID supposedly help me by stealing all my furniture~Bitterness turns to anger~Depression deepening~Meet someone new & interesting~Possible sparks~One of my best friends in the whole wide world believes the sh*t he had been hearing about me~End of that friendship~Nearly unbearable heartbreak~How much more do I have to lose?~Oh, wait a minute – THIS is how much more I have to lose:  My home, my everything except what I could carry on my back,  and of course my Son had to go live with his Grandparents.~

~End of April

Looking back

It’s hard to believe that 2010 is already over & we’re into the 1st week of 2011.
It was a crazy year for me. The previous 5 or 6years I merely existed. I look back & I can see that what I was doing was in no way what we call “living”. But once my inner-self realized that I was once & for all truly free of the shackles I wore during that unhealthy time, it seemed as if I had to make up for all the lost time.
At this very moment, my soul, my very inner core feels worn – run through the wringer. I crammed 5 years of living into one short year. I took those 5 yrs and tried my damnedest to re-live…no not re-live, experience everything I missed.
Every “relationship”, for lack of a better word, however short, was intense and each one stripped my soul bare, leaving me feeling raw & exposed. I don’t know why, but, I considered myself single even while involved with a man. It’s odd how we always seek to define what we have with other people.
After I had finally gotten out of my situation with Bryce, I thought that never again could I trust another man. I thought that I would never love or want to love again.
Hiker-Dude taught me how to be young again, despite being one of the oldest men I’ve ever gone out with.
Old-School-Friend taught me what it was like to once again be treated with respect, to be treated as a fellow human being, to once again embrace another as a gesture of caring as opposed to an action of hostility.
Then, along came The Jester. In 3 or 4 short months, The Jester taught me how it felt to be alive. I learned how sweet a first kiss can be, I learned how to laugh – REALLY laugh, great big, face-hurting-tear-jerking, belly laughs. I learned how to be accepted for who and what I am. I learned confidence, I learned once again, how to love. Truly and unconditionally. It was like being a baby & learning how to walk & talk all over again.
We kind of just drifted apart, he got busy with his work & I opened my shop. We met & dated other people & still talk with each other. I know that I will always love him & I’m so glad to have had the opportunity to spend time with him.
I’m not sure where I am heading in 2011, but to even compare to 2010, it’s gotta be pretty intense….At any rate, I think I’m ready – bring it

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